I feel so useless on days when I feel uninspired to write. When the ice finally breaks in my head and something comes up it’s like a small candle flame that’s barely coming out of the shortest wick, the type that you struggle just to keep alight. Sometimes when I get an idea I feel like I try to keep it squished inside my head lest it seeps away out of my ears and would be forever gone. Today was one of those days, Hallelujah! So let’s put all those ideas down on paper before they’re gone.
Lately, all my days are just passing by, not in a boring routine kind of way because my life right now is the furthest away from a routine as possible. I can’t really pinpoint it, there are moments during my day that are nice and memorable but otherwise, I feel like it’s all just passing by. I guess that’s kind of normal and that’s how life is, you can’t expect life to be so awe-inspiring every single day, it has other things to do. I suppose having ok days is definitely better than having bad days, although the masochist in me… well never mind. A while back I made some promises to myself about things that I’d like to be working on and perhaps some days I have fears of letting those promises go and ending up having made compromises for things that I did not end up accomplishing. I have this phobia of compromises nowadays because my track record proves that I am someone who makes compromises for all the wrong and undeserving reasons without even realizing it. It’s not as if I know I am making a compromise and I’m fine with it; no I’m actually oblivious towards it and feel like I am making my decisions based on my desires entirely. Poor Raja’. The way I’m trying to do it nowadays is by constantly reminding myself of what I want out of life. This is so if for whatever reason I decide that ‘oh my God this thing is so wonderful and I want it and I am going to compromise my entire being just to have it’ which I cannot tell you how frequently has happened, it’s ridiculous, I’m going to be like “Raja’, pull yourself together, no. Just no. Bye.” I swear it’s like dealing with a 5 year-old brat sometimes. Instead, I’m attempting to treat my logical self like a princess and giving her all she wants, keeping that 5 year old brat away.
Now for carpe diem, some stuff I’ve been going through has made me see that a carpe diem life is the only one worth living. When people think about seizing the day, I think so many have that image of bungee jumping off a cliff somewhere. For me, it’s not like that. It’s more about being able to have moments each day that make you feel really alive; a genuine and loving conversation with someone, laughing your butt off with your friends, experiencing something new for the first time, being so honest saying something to someone and just watching the shock in their face at your sheer audacity (one of my favorite things in life to be honest), having a really nice long meal with someone where you’re both so into the conversation that you forget about the time passing and the food getting cold, being able to bring up a genuine smile on someone’s face, these thing, they really stick with you. There’s this picture I found on Pinterest once which so accurately describes these kinds of moments, it said time stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life. And when you think about it, it really does. Think about how many times you’ve had expectations out of things you’ve planned and they turned out to be so disappointing and just how many amazing moments that you’ll never forget happened in the most random setting, completely unexpectedly.
The thing about this whole carpe diem thing is that it is s expanding my ability to express my opinions about things so openly and not caring one bit, what is the worst thing that could happen if you genuinely decide to be yourself for once? Maybe you are too annoying, too funny, too smart, too active, too fond of ‘trivial’ things, too lazy, too anything, you will always be too much of something to someone. Too little of something to someone, who gives a single crap? Why would you? I’m seriously asking you to just contemplate it and try to come up with a reason, maybe not even come up with a reason, just expose yourself to the question. Why the hell would you care? If you find a reason that seems logical enough, then I am all for it. But if it takes away from your being, then shame on you. I hate this letting people walk over you in any way possible if it takes away from someone’s being, it’s to the extent that sometimes if I witness it in front of me I feel so much contempt towards the person being walked all over that I feel satisfied that they feel bad because they deserve it, then I realize how twisted and mean that probably is and stop but yes, that is just how much I hate it, I would even respect someone who allows someone to walk over them because they have a benefit coming from it, at least they realize that they are allowing something to happen because of something they want and not just allowing it because they are too cowardly to do anything about it. I feel like this could be understood as people who aren’t strong enough to stand up for themselves, but that’s not only what I mean. I mean people making decisions not solely based on what they think is right and they want but because it’s what would make sense to people around them or that they would be looked at in a certain way if they do whatever it is they decide to do. Heck, even if you hurt someone, if you’re doing it in a non-malicious way and it’s simply because it’s something you have to do but it also resulted in hurting someone, as in their emotions, then who cares. It’s not about you wanting to purposefully hurt someone, but you can’t live your life making decisions that might end up making you feeling miserable simply because you’re too worried about other people’s feelings. That is not a way to live. Just as long as you’re doing things without being rude or purposefully hurting people, then all should be well. Make sure you haven’t hurt someone with the intention of hurting them, and if you have, then apologize, fix it. Make sure the people you love know you love them, never assume they know, more often than not, they really don’t. When I do things that way, I know that karma has my back, but when I do the nicest thing with even the slightest cruel intention, I know karma has it in for me. And it usually comes back around strong mashAllah.
The dangerous thing about being opinionated and also somewhat sharp in conversation is that you can be easily misunderstood, add to that being emotional and someone falsely accusing you of being angry. Oh God. You then actually become the angry version they were accusing you of being, and all hell breaks loose. I used to suffer so much because of this when I was younger and until very recently actually. But I think I am now finally able to work around it all. I’m trying to work on my tone (basically faking a kind tone) while talking to people so that it actually reflects the genuine truth that I am not angry or upset but that I just talk that way. It’s actually really annoying to fake it but I only feel compelled to do that with people whom I don’t really know, those who really know me know that even when I am sharp as hell I’m just super chilled on the inside. You should see me and my older sister in conversation, fireworks. To wrap it all up, in order for you to carpe diem my friend, you need only be you, and all the the world shall be yours for the taking.