Comeback

I am thinking of what the title for this should be or what it should be about and honestly the amount of things I’d like to talk about it making me realize I cannot categorize this into anything. I call this my outlet and I’ve discovered that it really truly is. Writing in general that is. Because I’ve discovered that no matter how much people love me and how much I appreciate all of them no one can handle all the things I’d like to talk about and people shouldn’t really be expected to listen. They should to an extent but one of my friends the other day pointed this out for me and was like ‘Raja’ you know you’re a rambler right?’ and I realized that damn. I am. So over here, I can say whatever I’d like to and no one is obliged to reply to anything, I can just go all out. Kind of reminds me of that scene in You’ve Got Mail where she just goes ‘I’m sending this out to the void, so good night dear void.’ So this goes out to you dear void, and whoever would like to read is welcome to. I’m so excited about actually feeling like writing because I have not felt like writing in so long and I felt so awful about it because I love it when I do write, so not having the desire to do it felt like such a downer. I felt so excited that I did not have my laptop and I drove through Amman’s ugly traffic just to get it and let me tell you it is worth it. I’m remembering my IB days and studying for my exams. One of my best friends used to make so much fun of me, I have this thing where I need to dress up or put on some makeup and ‘feel good’ about myself before starting and I did that today and I used to do it back then. She would just be coming over so we can look at some past papers together and she’d just go ‘Raja’ do you have fancy earrings on?’ Well we’re all weirdos, each in their own way so don’t judge me. It’s a good thing when that happens. I like it because it tells me I’m actually enjoying myself. So the reason I first started wanting to write this is because something is making me feel really bad. What I do with all these things I think is let them fester and not talk about them or think about them then suddenly they just blow up in my face. I love that when I talk about things a lot of people feel like what I’m talking about is relatable but this time it’s different. I’m talking about this to myself and not giving an opinion on something that I feel at peace with. This is something that is bothering me and I’m struggling with and I wish we could all just start a conversation about it. I think our society is just getting out of hand. What with all the showing off about every single thing in the world. We’re all judging each other based on things like looks and money and I am just stopping some days and thinking, how will it all end? Will it end anyways? With the huge monster that is social media. Let’s imagine a time when people just did not have this. You lived your life without an audience there to watch you. To feed your ego or to validate you. The awful thing is it’s all so intertwined into our lives that you really can’t get rid of it. Some days I think I’d like to just deactivate everything and not have to see any of the toxic things I see on a daily basis but the thing is I’ve come to depend so much on social media that now it’s like I can’t function without it. If I want to find out about anything that’s where I go. Akh see the thing that hurts is I know I will write all this but then I’d have to go back and fit into the mold that society expects me to fill and so I know that tomorrow morning or whatever day it is I will have to just get up and carry on with whatever mold’s been set out. So obviously what this is about I have no idea and I’ve decided to call it comeback. Just because it’s what’s made me realize that I miss writing and that I should get back to it. Now that all this ranting is done I can carry on to writing about other stuff. But this had to come out, like word vomit (yes I am using a Mean Girls reference)…

Photo courtesy of Baba who is obsessed with taking photos of the moon and is so good at it.

 

 

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